One True Thing

So, I realize that there are very few things in this world that I know to be true. But there is one- a rare constant truth and comforts me and makes me look forward to things ahead.
I know that there will never come a day when I will open my bible and be full - my knowledge will never be complete- things will always challenge me- will always amaze me- will always inspire me.
Some people get in ruts where they 'read' the bible, but it doesn't him them and it doesn't translate. For me, I just stop. If I'm being prideful, or not connecting with God, I stay away from the bible because, i know as soon as I open it I will be broken. Luckily for me, it rarely takes long for me to break - or for God to trow it in my face. One of my favorite feelings is hearing a scripture and getting the God Chills.
The chills that come from inside and make me feel like God just reached out and hugged me. I realize that could sound a little crazy- but, it's the best feeling. To know that He wanted me to hear that.
He is so much more powerful that any of us can ever understand - He just refuses to fit in the box that I want to put Him in- and I love Him for that.
It's amazing how much He's given me through His word. It just seems, and is, an endless amount of rebuke, love, comfort, hope, doctrine and faith.
i just know that I never want to know what s it's like to live with out him. I know that I can't do without him by my side. Sometimes I still try- but luckily the tries are now farther and father apart.
I feel like I could write about this for days. Because it's my livelihood. It's what keeps me breathing. God is what keeps me going. He made me and loves me and will never leave me. Ever that is something that it took me a good 20 years to realize. His promises are never broken. He game me the ultimate gfirst- the ulrimate sacridice.. He calls me to live a life that he seserves and that in the deepest aprts of my heart I want to live for him.

We talked about David today at church. He was in love with God. I know that I am uncappable of loving God the perfect way he deserves because he deserves perfection- he deserves a constantly selfless and sinless love. David was a man after God's own heart- can I be that woman? I want to love God the way he did. I want to have the faith that he did. I want to have that humility, confidence in God and strength.

Possibly one of my favorite songs of all time.

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My Dates For the Night!

jacob


nathan

Best valentine's day ever.

i've spent most of the day surrounded by children, and that might be how I want every valentine's day to be from now on. Samuel and jacob and the best valentines ever. And nathan, too. But he's to young to agree to be my date. my dad and brother sent me awesome roses and mom sent me something but i've so busy I haven't checked the mail. That will be fun to open later!! : ) so while I wish I had someone to take me to see "Confessions of a shopoholic" and sit outside starbucks and talk with.... So far my two and four year old dates have made me really happy. The nice guy at chik-fil-a also gave me a hershey's kiss which was pretty awesome. And while I know there is someone special out there for me- someone who will make me as happy as hearing jacob laugh at me, or hearing samuel call me Miss Lissa- for now, this was a great valentines day.

(posted from my phone)

19.

It's my "little" brother's birthday today.
Most of the time- and I really mean most of the time- I feel like I am still 19. When people ask how old I am, 19 pops to mind.
And now my "little" brother is 19. It's like any last hope I had of being 19 is gone. Certainly, I am no where near who I was three years ago. Thankfully.
So, why is it that I am so reluctant to admit to myself that I am 21?
I feel like I spend so much of my life , I know, all 21 years of it, ahead of everyone.... and then for one reason or another - stopped.
I wanted to stop being the mature one. And I did. I spent a year lost and completely detached from who I was - with no sense of self, and no backbone to support myself.
Then came, Louisville, Kentucky.
The year of me.
I moved there with no concrete reason to, did nothing of any great significance that year... but I am certain, that when I am 50, and if someone asks me about a time that defined me as a person , as a friend, and more importantly as a disciple- that was it.
And yet, I've still had to move on.
So God sent me to Augusta.
And already I have learned so much about myself now, and about who I want to be. It amazes me.
So, I guess that my wish for my "little" brother is that his year can bring him as much as mine did.
He is my best. I am so proud of who he is, and how hard he works to stay true to himself. He's a fighter, a worrier and an analyzer.
Some ways we are the same, some ways we are opposites - and that is what makes us such good friends.

How awesome would life be if we could talk to God directly.
my heart is yearning to listen to him.
To be lead by the spirit.
To submit to God's plan for my life....
and yet I'm finding myself feeling dizzy and without a way to move forward.
I know that the only that will heal me now is time.
Time to move on.
Time to move forward.
Time to watch God's plan unfold.
I have complete and total faith that he will not let me wonder for long as I cling to him.
and I am.

Church was especially encouraging today.
Which is funny, cause it wasn't really different then any other service.
i realized it was my heart.
I walked in with a heart to embrace having the kids with us, appreciate the chaos and focus on God- his word, and his family.
I'm a lucky girl.

I also got cute new shoes. fyi.

Are we ashes and wine?

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning circus on a wheel
I'm I'll with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
Reduced ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

Prayer

Dear God,
Well, I definitely feel confused right now. Particularly overwhelmed and a little lost. I just can help but wonder how much of what I'm feeling is real. Is it all in my head? I am 'wanting' to feel all of this? I know that TIME is going to be the best tool at my disposal right now. TIME and prayer. I'm praying for clarity and for wisdom. I know that I can't know what know your plans or have all the answers- but please guide my steps. At the end, all I want is for your will to be done. For your plan to unfold. I know that all of this can help me to grow closer to you. I want to cling to your word and listen to your spirit. I have so much to learn about myself. I'm so comforted to know that you will never leave me. Never let go. No matter how many times I wonder around aimlessly, you are always there to find me! Thank you for holding my heart so gently in your hands. Point me in the direction of your wisdom. I'm surrounded by people that love you and love me and I know that you will take care of my through them. Help me to stay humble, listen to my heart and their advice and to be content with whatever happens.
My heart is yours.
Melissa

"The Special Two" By Missy Higgins

"The Special Two"

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.

don't ever by missy higgins

"Don't Ever"

Let's take the train to anywhere
I wanna feel the wind in my hair with you.
Let's tell them all, that soon they'll know
How very wrong they were to think we'd never go,

And if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine
And we will clean the cobwebs out of one anothers minds.

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time.

We'll get a house where the trees hang low and pretty little flowers
On our window sill will grow
We'll make friends with the milk man and the butcher Mr. Timms
Will give us discounts when he can,

And if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine,
And we will clean the cobwebs out of one anothers minds.

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time
LA DI DA DI DA...

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life
Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time...

By missy higgins.